"Is There a Power Greater Than Me/JEM? Exploring the Possibilities of the Impossible"

For many of us, most certainly myself, the thought of something or someone bigger than me, never really crossed my mind. Sure there were those people that I would never want to tussle with (well sober of atleast) but the concept of a larger entity that ruled was beyond comprehension or introspection.

My dad always told me that "there will always be someone bigger and stronger, faster and smarter than you in life" but to believe that; never really resonated with me. Perhaps this was because of that all-powerful, and self-centred EGO that the large majority of people carry with them and to some extent live by. Interesting how the implications of such a small word, three letters; can be vast and for many; most especially myself, catastrophic. All these years later however and through a great deal of "research", the ego has been smashed. How could it not be? Please, however do not confuse ego and confidence. One can be quite confident but not be egotistical.

Bits and pieces of me were torn away and left on the pavement for all to see. Today, I am comfortable with this. Today, I am an open book. Today; secrets are no more and everyone can stand back and judge...because after all being an alcoholic is preventable (insert sigh) unlike many other conditions that we face in society today. Secrets are a part of everyone and so too is lying or being dishonest. But if you are one of the lucky ones (perhaps lucky) that have not have your secrets told or the lies kept hidden, well those pieces of you are still intact (until they are not).

To be completely honest, JEM'S EGO (hey look, they both have three letters) was never about being better than an other person (contradictory to what some of you may think). It was of course about me. I had to be right. I had to prove to myself that I was a winner even if it did cause angst and discontentment. I had to be the leader. It was wonderful that you had your own opinion about something, and while perhaps an educated opinion; mine was still ultimately paramount, because; well, just because it was my opinion. Plain and simple. Perhaps some that are reading this can relate if you really sit back and pull away your layers. This way of thinking speaks to nothing more than a sick person. Alcoholic for sure. Sick - absolutely. Full of fear - unequivocally gospel. Fear about not being good enough. Fearing of not being the best. Fear of people seeing that I so desperately wanted their approval and for them to come to me for the answer, because then I would be fulfilled.

What changed you ask? How does one let go of an ego; cleanse themselves of such blasphemy? Work on their fears and their shortcomings? Well for starters....being brought down by York Region's finest does not hurt. I did put up a good go however, but I am proud to say (humbly) that the taser won. See, there you go. I LOST. Bigger, stronger and wiser were they. While for those adrenaline junkies out there that are waiting to hear more about this, there really is not too much more to tell except they (police) were doing their job and ultimately protecting JEM (humble, kind, giving and loving) from JEM (egotistical, spiritually sick JEM).

Insert Higher Power here. Something bigger than me. Relates to a spiritual experience. I know once again, this is where some of you may be getting a little uncomfortable. Squeamish perhaps. It is difficult to explain really. For me however; it has saved me from the tightening grips of alcoholism, dependency and irrational, selfish behaviours. Ultimately, I have learned that I am still a winner despite not being all powerful. No human power could or did ever relieve me from the disease of alcoholism, however I do seek His guidance each day and give thanks each night as I lay my head down free from the bondage of self. The people that I respect and love the most (Joanne, Mom & Dad) could not even release the cuffs and shackles that comes with this all powerful illness. Sure, their love and actions, threats and ultimatums certainly relieved me for a period of time but to no avail long-term. It sounds a little crazy that these wonderful people couldn't help me make it work. I so badly wanted to be sober and free from the bondage of self, but nope - couldn't be accomplished. As they say; good things come to those that wait.

What an arduous road. Not just for myself, but I have a great deal of empathy, respect and certainly remorse for those that were affected by my thoughts and actions (remember, it was not the humble, kind, giving and loving JEM). You may not care what JEM you got and that is quite fine as that is your viewpoint (and I would argue ego). I will accept that. But those that continue to stand by me are the ones that are also open to the plethora of changes that we are seeing in society. While they may not fully understand pronouns, political viewpoints, the irrational number of homeless persons they walk by or the shrewd number of mental health obstacles that people face (believe me, you will see all of this in your own family), they are open to acceptance and education. Open to the most powerful emotion; Love.

Today, every morning and every night, this 6'3" frame bows down and gets on his knees.

You should try it (regardless of why or to whom you speak to) as there is nothing more humbling. Reach out to someone/something and ask for help and guidance. Ask for your defects of character (if you dig deep, you too will find more than you wish to see) to be relieved and to follow the 'right' path as you venture along your day. For me, I admit that I am powerless over alcohol. I cannot take a drink of that poison (to me). It is because of this humble act (and only this realization), that I am sober today. I am not riddled with fear. Sure, there are obstacles to overcome, however, these too shall pass. Perhaps the outcome may not be favourable as I would see it or..is it. Is the outcome justified and this too shall set me upon a path of freedom? Today, paralleled with my God are those that are still here with me walking this uncomfortable path. They are exactly the people so many in society need today. Open to the unknown. Willing to forgive (although resentments are powerful things) ODAAT (one day at a time). Love till death do part.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong"

Mahatma Gandhi