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The gifts of acceptance The winter cold finally seeped into my bones and lungs. I can't recall the last time I was ill (excluding detox, of course). Maybe I've had a few sniffles or a mild sore throat, but nothing severe enough to stop me from working. We had been considering last-minute trips south, but not only did I come down with double pneumonia, Joanne also suffered from bronchitis for the third year in a row. The trip would have to be postponed... for now, at least. Sick was to say the least for me. For an extended period of approximately two weeks, I found myself engulfed in an overwhelming fatigue that seemed to drain every ounce of energy from my body. I have never experienced such a profound sense of exhaustion before; it was as if my body was demanding an extended period of rest and recovery that I simply could not ignore. Each day became a relentless cycle of waking up just long enough to make it to work, completing the necessary tasks that were expected of me, and then retreating back home to collapse into bed once again. The simple act of getting through the day felt like an insurmountable challenge, and I often found myself longing for the comfort of sleep rather than engaging with the world around me. Unfortunately, this sickness even kept me from attending crucial meetings, which for someone like me, who values connection and community, was absolutely horrible. The meetings had always been a cornerstone of my routine, a space where I found solace and understanding among others who shared similar experiences. Missing them felt like a void in my life, a disconnection from the very support system that had helped me navigate through difficult times in the past. With that being said, however, this period of illness turned out to be a moment of unexpected clarity. It forced me to reflect deeply on my commitment and the dedication I have shown over the last year. I realized that my involvement was not just a matter of going through the motions or fulfilling obligations to appease those around me. It was a stark contrast to the days of old, when I attended meetings merely to avoid disappointing others or to fit in with societal expectations. This time, I genuinely felt a profound sense of longing for everything about the time I spent in the rooms. I missed the people—the camaraderie and companionship of others who understood my struggles and triumphs. I longed for the discussions that sparked new insights, the moments of active listening that fostered deeper connections, and the invaluable lessons learned through shared experiences. Ultimately, I can say that I was in a state of withdrawal. This realization led me to surmise that this is indeed the very essence of the program; it becomes a part of us. It intertwines itself with our identities, shaping who we are and how we navigate our lives. Reality. After all, this simple yet profound program saved my life. It has provided me with tools, insights, and a community that I cannot imagine living without. Each meeting, each conversation, and each moment of shared understanding has woven itself into the fabric of my existence, reminding me that I am never truly alone in my journey. I took my wife's advice and visited the doctor, and unsurprisingly, I began to heal gradually. Who would have thought? By stepping outside my own thoughts and setting aside my ego, things improved. Joanne was also recovering, and we decided that a getaway from the routine of everyday life would be perfect for reflection, rejuvenation, and reconnecting with each other. We booked our little escape on Thursday, stopped in Guelph to enjoy some quality time with my son and parents, and by Sunday at 10 am, we were on a plane heading to the sunny south. I believe I packed everything I needed. What I definitely had with me was a reminder of hard work, dedication, and a connection to a higher power. In my right pant pocket, a small, seemingly insignificant piece of metal held great significance and accompanied me on my journey (as it does every day). Here we come, escaping from 'reality'. Perhaps you can't imagine, but now ; before me was a test. It stared me straight in the eyes and I stood staring straight back. A different feeling however washed over me. At home, the obsession of my old friend had been taken from me (through a lot of prayer, reflection and of course the Church basements). Here we were on this beautiful resort where the alcohol flowed like water from our taps. Where the norm was to get up, enjoy the sun and surroundings with a drink in hand by 10 (a little late in my past life). Gosh by ten, the feelings of unworthiness, unsatisfaction, fear and resentment would be masked by drink after drink and I would not have a care in the world, including the feelings of anyone around me; even the most important of people. We were led to our beautiful room and naturally explored its contents and surroundings. Yes, I did. I opened the fridge, but this time something was different. I saw the water; both still and sparkling... perfect. I noticed the soda. Wonderful, Joanne will enjoy that in the evening. Just like that, I closed the door. I stood there, reflecting. I hadn't even noticed. I opened it again. Yes, there were also a couple of beers and the small 'airplane' bottles that, in the past, would have disappeared as soon as I saw them, of course, secretly. "Hey Jo!" Like any supportive partner of an alcoholic (especially one who had suffered the debilitating hold of the disease), she came to me and asked if I was bothered, if I was okay, or if this would be a problem. I hugged her, then pulled back and said, "What an amazing feeling." Although we had escaped 'reality,' at that moment, I felt the same as I did at home. The desire was absent. The scheming and planning that once consumed every aspect of my days, especially those spent at resorts and away from home, were no longer in my thoughts. It was a testament to a Power greater than myself and, once again, to the support groups. Over the course of the next number of days, I found myself (quietly and unsuspectedly) engaged in the process of 'escaping from reality.' This phrase took on a profound significance as I quietly immersed myself in a period of reflection and introspection. Moment lying in the loungers, cuddled up in the comfort of bed, or sitting in restaurants while diligently investigating my surroundings contributed to this exploration of my inner self. Most notably, it was during those serene moments floating in the ocean, that reality began to reveal itself in ways I had never anticipated. In this idyllic setting, far removed from the biting cold and the relentless monotony of our daily routines, I found a unique sense of freedom. It was a liberating experience to be away from the expectations and norms that typically govern our lives, especially during the cold, bleak winter months. Yet, amidst this temporary escape, I was reminded of a profound realization that would anchor me: the one reality I can never truly 'escape' from is the fact that I am an alcoholic. To some, this acknowledgment might appear to be a source of despair or sadness; however, for someone like me, it represents the most liberating truth I could ever embrace. The reality of being an alcoholic is not merely a label; it is a cornerstone of my identity that keeps me grounded and aligned with my values. This understanding compels me to confront my past, acknowledge my struggles, and appreciate the journey I have undertaken. As long as I remain cognizant of my identity as an alcoholic and what this truly means for me—today, a grateful alcoholic—I find myself in a state of profound freedom. Freedom This freedom does not come without its challenges. It requires constant vigilance and a commitment to self-awareness. Yet, it is precisely this commitment that empowers me to navigate the complexities of life with clarity and purpose. Embracing the reality of my alcoholism allows me to build a life that is rich with meaning and authenticity, free from the shackles of denial and the burdens of addiction. I have learned that acknowledging this part of myself is not a weakness but rather a source of strength, fueling my desire to live fully and honestly. In essence, my journey of reflection during those days away from the cold and the routine has illuminated the importance of acceptance. The acceptance of my reality as an alcoholic is a guiding light, reminding me that I am not defined by my struggles but rather by my resilience and ability to rise above them. This perspective fosters gratitude for the present moment and instills a sense of hope for the future. I have come to understand that the path of recovery is not a destination but a continuous journey, one that I am committed to navigating with grace and determination.

This time one year ago, I was under the impression that I was firmly in control of my life. I believed I was the one orchestrating every aspect of my existence, that I was the master of my fate, running the show with a sense of authority and purpose. In my mind, I was basking in the illusion of being untouchable, invincible even. I walked through life with an air of confidence, convinced that I had everything figured out and that nothing could bring me down. However, it is essential to recognize that my journey has not been without its share of failures and setbacks. I had previously experienced the tumultuous ups and downs of life, often floundering in and out of the program that ultimately became my lifeline, my rock ultimately (not to minimize my beautiful wife and parents as their support is different). The irony is that, despite my bravado, I had faced moments of profound struggle and despair, which I now understand were crucial to my growth. Reflecting on my past, I realize that it was only through the humbling experience of acknowledging my limitations and vulnerabilities that I began to seek a power greater than myself. This realization was on one fateful night; instantaneous.   My heart and mind were opened wide to the possibility of something beyond my own understanding, a force that could guide me when I felt lost. It was in the process of surrendering to this higher power that I found a glimmer of hope and a sense of direction. Moreover, the support I discovered in 'the rooms'—the meetings and gatherings that I now attend regularly—has been transformative. These spaces are filled with individuals who share similar struggles and experiences, creating a community that fosters understanding, compassion, and healing. I spend countless hours each week immersed in these discussions, learning from others, sharing my own journey, and finding strength in collective vulnerability. In stark honesty, I must convey that if it were not for this newfound connection to a higher power and the unwavering support from my beautiful wife, family and community, I would be dead. This may come across as a bit crass or blunt to some, but it is the unvarnished truth. The reality of my situation is that I was teetering on the edge, and it was only through these profound realizations and connections that I was able to reclaim my life from the brink. The journey has been arduous, but it has also been enlightening, leading me to a place of resilience and hope that I had once thought was unattainable. Currently, I'm on a train heading to Guelph to embrace the true spirit of Christmas—gratitude for the gifts of hope, love, and joy. As I gaze out the window, the sun shines brightly, and the biting cold outside is evident from the large clouds rising from the building stacks in the distance. I can't help but feel these gifts surrounding me, especially within my heart and mind. I am truly fortunate to have the chance to turn past misfortunes—trials, hardships, and both physical and emotional pain—into advantages today. Just a year ago, everything almost fell apart. The relapse began on a Thursday, and the only solution to what felt like incomprehensible and unbearable trauma, along with situations beyond my control, was to drown myself in poison. I wanted to forget and numb the discomfort, fear, and resentments. This led to days of emotional and physical pain (as if there wasn't already enough). A fog set in. I couldn't see a way out. The hope that now fills my heart was nowhere to be found. It was crushed. I fell down stairs; first responders came. More poison. Hospitals; "formed". Embarrassment. Guilt. Shame. Remorse. I was truly and completely broken. I couldn't imagine a 'way out'. I was exhausted. I was sickened by the thought of hurting those I loved any longer. It wasn't my own hurt and pain I worried about, but that of my wife, son, and parents. I was disgusted by the disease of alcoholism, and while I didn’t want to 'lose,' I became willing to in order to stop hurting the most important people in my life, and so I prepared to relieve their hurt. To most, it is beyond understanding. It certainly was for me before this pivotal night. Lying in a new suit on the ground outside, I felt the rain on my face. I was teetering on the edge of destruction, between life and death, prepared to free my beloved wife and family from this terrible illness. As surely as I am sitting here now, His hand pulled me back. I was not being welcomed; I was being pushed back, told that I have too much to do to help myself, clear the wreckage of my past, and assist those still suffering. Yes, to Agnostics and Atheists, this is beyond comprehension. Whatever it may or may not be to you, please understand that no human power could have ever pulled me from the depths of the disease. Not my wife, parents, or children. Nothing. While the next days were certainly not enjoyable for anyone, it was truly the start to a beautiful way of living; free from guilt, shame remorse and most certainly from alcohol. Over the ensuing month, I attended three meetings a day and found myself engaging with a God of my understanding; one today that I call a friend. While it was I that sat in those chairs (and continue to in Church basements on a daily basis); I who help others today...it truly was only by the grace of God and my family that I am here today. I am present in conversation, work and personal interactions. I am free from the obsession that alcohol so greatly played in my daily life. I no longer flounder to plan my day around when, where and how to purchase. How to pull to wool over others eyes (most certainly my own) for them to believe that Jay is doing well (when in fact it was the furthest from the truth). While I own my story, the bad, good and otherwise I also own the fact that my wife and my parents should be congratulated on this small victory. They felt the same pain, fear and resentment as I. I give thanks each and every day that I was spared. The the disease did not win. Today, I am able to give back to them. Allow them to bask in the fulfillment of a new life becuase ultimately they feel and experience through me. Today I am blessed that these remarkable people held on to hope and faith and did not allow for the stigma of the disease to taint their actions and love. There is also a man, whose name I will keep private, whom I am privileged and honoured to call a friend. He is a selfless individual who went to great lengths for my wife and me simply because he cared. Despite having faced trauma in his own life not long before, his loving and supportive actions greatly improved our lives. He assured me that everything would be alright, though I had difficult truths to confront and hard work ahead. At my lowest point, when I felt I couldn't continue, I asked him to tell my story. In his stoic, firm yet loving manner, he simply said, "Jason, you will tell your own story, and when that time comes, I will be there." One night, as I stood at a podium, nervous yet proud to have been invited to speak before a large group of like-minded individuals, there he was, true to his word and, I am sure, with a touch of pride. If you struggle with addiction or know someone who does, be sure to reach out for help. Remember, "You are no longer alone." Don't bear the weight of this insidious illness by yourself. Ignore the naysayers and those who judge without self-reflection. Live and let live. Clear the wreckage of your past, trust in God (or your own understanding of something greater than yourself), and assist others on your journey. Acceptance is truly the greatest gift you can receive.

The excitement for summer and autumn activities and scheduled events has ended (atleast until the woes of the Christmas season). The leaves have transformed, and the grass has stopped growing. Those dreaded (at least in my world) winter coats, hats, and gloves are now easily accessible. The splendor of the fall colours has come and gone, leaving behind some memorable moments and photos. Nights are chilly, and frost has made its unwelcome appearance on the ground during my morning walk to work. However, there is something different for me. Not only am I aware of these changes, but I also appreciate the changing season. My eyes seem to be open to the beauty that surrounds me. As the new season begins, I find myself wrapped in the comforting embrace of sobriety. It's a period of change, of letting go of the old and embracing fresh starts. The shift in seasons reminds me that even as the world around us changes, the core of sobriety continues to advance this year. With each passing day, I am presented with myriad opportunities to reaffirm my commitment to living a sober life, a journey that is both transformative and deeply personal. The challenges I encounter may vary widely, ranging from social situations that tempt me (obsession has been lifted) to revert to old habits, to moments of stress and emotional turbulence that can make the path feel daunting. Yet, through it all, my unwavering resolve to stay true to myself and my journey remains steadfast and resolute. I understand that sobriety is not merely the absence of substances; it is an active choice I make every day, a conscious decision to embrace a lifestyle that fosters growth, health, and authenticity. In the midst of constant change and the unpredictability of life, sobriety acts as my anchor, providing stability and a sense of security that I once thought was unattainable. It grounds me in the present moment, allowing me to fully engage with my surroundings, my thoughts, and my feelings without the fog of substances clouding my judgment. This clarity is invaluable; it opens my eyes to the beauty of everyday experiences and deepens my connections with others. Each moment I choose sobriety reinforces my commitment to a future filled with purpose, where I can pursue my passions and dreams without the constraints of addiction. Moreover, this journey is not just about resisting temptation; it is about cultivating a deeper understanding of myself. I have begun to explore the underlying issues that contributed to my previous reliance on substances, engaging in reflection and self-discovery that enrich my life in ways I never imagined possible. By confronting these challenges head-on, I am not only healing but also building resilience that empowers me to navigate life’s complexities with grace and strength. As I continue to walk this path, I find solace in the support of a community that shares similar values and experiences. Together, we celebrate milestones, share our struggles, and uplift one another, creating a network of encouragement that bolsters my resolve. Each day, I remind myself that the journey of sobriety is not a solitary one; it is a collective endeavor that thrives on connection, understanding, and shared experiences. My commitment to this lifestyle is a profound aspect of my life that shapes my identity and influences my choices. It is a daily practice of mindfulness and intention, guiding me toward a future filled with clarity, purpose, and the promise of a fulfilling life. Although I value anonymity, I am completely transparent about my past, present, and aspirations for the future. As Plato wrote, "We are twice armed if we fight with faith. " It is this faith that will lead me forward. I may not focus on what others do or say, or fail to do or say, but I cannot let these actions or inactions concern me. I can only be myself. Simply be JEM.

"Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk to you again." Old friend? The time we spent together might suggest otherwise, but we were not exactly friends. Nonetheless, we were not complete strangers to each other. A friend is someone that we can rely on. To speak most intimate details of oneself with. Laugh. Cry. Joke. Inspire. Share desires, hope, problems and dillemas. What do you think I should do? Reason and weigh the proverbial; fork in the road. If I go left; result? What happens if I go right; result? The most important people in my world did and always have done just that. Support, inspire, educate and most of all love me. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I crossed the proverbial 'line.' Like many of you, alcohol was a way for me to celebrate, to recognize a tough day at work, or to toast to success. But then things changed. Alcohol became my go-to solution for dealing with challenges, trauma, and grief, as well as a means of celebration. It became my coping mechanism, a way to escape fear and anxiety, and to numb myself from reality. I would dress up, put on a brave face, and carry on, repeating this pattern. Unfortunately, just like many others, alcohol, which was once a solution, turned into the problem for me. Case in point, the solution/problem caused unrest, resentment, hurt feelings, fright and concern. At times, the 'solution' was a fine line between life and death. I say this with the utmost of respect for my loved ones, colleagues, acquaintances, and anyone that was caused inconvenience due to the disease of alcoholism and what it does to an individual (first and foremost) as well as to a family. The impact of alcoholism goes beyond just the individual struggling with the disease; it ripples out to affect those closest to them, creating a web of pain and turmoil that can be difficult to untangle. The feelings of guilt, shame, and remorse that accompany alcoholism can be overwhelming, almost suffocating in their intensity. It's a burden that weighs heavily on the heart and mind, leading to a constant cycle of apologies, some of which may feel undeserved or misplaced. Through introspection and a deepening faith, one can begin to see a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness. Despite the guilt and shame that may linger, there comes a point where the need to move forward becomes paramount. It's a journey of self-discovery and healing, guided by a newfound understanding that dwelling in the past will only hinder progress. While the scars of the past actions remain, there is a determination to not be defined solely by them. Acknowledging the harm caused is a crucial step towards growth and recovery. It's a recognition of the pain inflicted on others and a commitment to do better in the future. The goal was never to succumb to alcoholism, but the journey through its grips has provided valuable lessons and insights. It's a path marked by struggles and setbacks, but also by resilience and the unwavering desire to break free from the chains of addiction. While I will never be completely free of guilt and regret, my perspectives and emotions have undeniably transformed over time. The nature of guilt and regret, as I have experienced it for many years, has undergone a change. This shift could be attributed to my decision to truly pay attention to those who genuinely cared for me. Perhaps. What's more significant now is my ability to introspect and realize that my present regret stems from my ego and a lack of genuine listening. Today, I regret not heeding the advice I received. If I had done so, if I had listened to a higher power and stepped out of my own self-centeredness (a trap many of us fall into), I would not be regretful of my actions but of my inaction. Looking back, I regret not taking action in the program. This is why the program holds great significance for me now, as I am actively participating. I acknowledge my past mistakes and collaborate with many others, encouraging them to also take action to avoid feeling the regret of inaction. To prevent feeling regret, it's important to take action in everything we do.

Mr. Ford, Please allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Jason E. Myer.  I am a 45 year old man; husband, father, son, grandson and funeral director.  I come from a wonderful family of hard working, compassionate, diligent and loyal people.  My grandfather too was a politician.  Perhaps not on 'your level’ but regardless; a very well respected and adored man who listened to the people and made the best decisions for the people. My wife and I have dedicated our life to the service of others.  Actually, I believe you just attended a visitation not long ago at her establishment.  I have co-owned funeral homes, managed many but ultimately have sat with countless families over the years and guided them in their grief journey.  The lives that I have been a part of, the remarkable stories and memories that I have been entrusted with is humbling. I too have walked very unpleasant journey’s with these husbands, wives and children in the most horrific of circumstances.  I have bared witness to things that many should not see, similar to our ‘first responders’.  The ultimate difference is that those professionals do not have the horrid task of trying to explain to a mother why it is not in her best interest to see her first born to say goodbye.  (The topic of PTSD and acknowledging a funeral directors role is yet another topic I would love to sit down and chat about). Today however, I am writing to you as a concerned Ontarian when it comes to the pandemic of Alcoholism and Addiction and the devastating effect it takes on individuals, families and ultimately society as a whole.   This insidious disease has one sole purpose and although dark it too is fact - death. Yes; with your current position in the distribution of alcohol you are allowing our younger generations to kill themselves more readily!  We are glorifying these drugs; most certainly alcohol whose sole purpose is to kill. Put very bluntly and without reservation; how with all the research are we standing for this.  Why is this substance becoming more easily accessible?  Why Mr. Ford are you allowing for bottles filled with a toxic substance to be in plain sight in every corner store?  Moreover, if you allow this to proceed you are putting a loaded gun in the hand of a fourteen year old like we see far too often.  You are arming the people of Ontario with the weapon manufactured to kill.   As you may or may not have guessed, this well educated, tax paying, humble, giving person is an alcoholic; a real alcoholic. I go to “work" each and every day with the sole purpose of assisting those in need during what is possibly their worst day they have lived.  However, when my professional career has concluded for the day, I attend meetings daily and also help the next person with their struggle with alcoholism.  I am a ‘recovered alcoholic and I live my life by the program of Alcoholics Annonymous.  I have been to treatment centres, detox, jail.  I have wavered on that fine and delicate line of life and death.  But today, I come to you not so Annonymous.  Similar to the struggles of mental health and the strides taken in society to ease the pain and suffering and stigma associated. I, Mr Ford implore you to take a very long and hard look at the impending consequences of your decisions.  Yes I am well aware that this ship has sailed and you are actually moving dates forward however, you have made a detrimental and monumental err in judgement. Contrary to what you are imposing ;  when smoking was being combatted; what happened?  Corner stores could no longer display tobacco products in plain sight.  Sponsorship ceased.  Prices increased.  Lighting up in a vehicle with a minor ( remember this reference to a minor)  was constituted to be a crime.  The list continues.  Conversely however, one no longer has to go to an LCBO or Beer Store; regulated entities.   You can pick up on your way home from work (or for some on the way to the office) in the grocery store or now at a convenience store (convenient yes, but even more convenient for youngsters/adults to steal that first bottle).  A corner store where an underage individual  (recall minor)  is choosing what candy to purchase.  Sponsorship continues.  The beautifully crafted commercials showing everyone have a great time, continue to increase during prime time television.  LCBO’s are being erected on what seems every corner with their spotless windows and impeccably positioned lighting.  Mr. Ford; how does any of this make sense.  How is it that you can justify such callous thoughts and actions? Everything is cyclical and intertwined.  Most especially the difficulties that we currently are facing in our neighbourhoods.  Just turn on CP24, CTV or the CBC on a daily basis. The numbers of people that we find in the morgues whose death is attributed to addiction related causes (not to mention overdoses) is at an all time high. I am certain that only a small percentage is actually ‘worthy’ enough to be on the television.  I know that I do not see all the faces on the news that I am being of service to professionally.  In the June 2022 edition of the  Canadian Public Health Association; Alcohol consumption in Canada - A Public Health Perspective   "Harms resulting from alcohol use in 2017 cost Canadians $16.6 billion, representing 36.2% of the total costs of harms resulting from substance use. It is the most societally costly substance used in Canada, with $5.4 billion in associated health care costs and $2.8 billion in criminal justice costs, as well as losses in productivity and other direct costs. Almost 20% of violent crimes were associated with alcohol use.” Sobering numbers do you not think? Perhaps an uneducated guess, nonetheless a guess that I will certainly voice.  Further and greater accessibility to alcohol in stores will result in  (please read each of these slowly, pointedly while thinking of your own neighbourhood) ; increased theft, increased underage drinking, increased violent crimes, increased DUI, increased motor vehicle accidents, increased alcoholism and addiction, increased drug and alcohol related deaths, increased strain on the family unit, increased divorce, increased estrangement, increased homelessness, increased social assistance requirements, increased crimes of passion, increased unclaimed deceased in our city morgues.  Cyclical.  In the same publication as listed above, similar to the  Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Annoymous , five strategies were identified to reduce alcohol-related health and social harms.  Following the recipe as I have been told is always the best course of action. Firstly it offers; "Strengthen restrictions on alcohol availability”. Well apparently we do not like to listen to the primary step - a recipe for disaster?  If we in the Big Book do not investigate and fully concede to the first step, the program will not work.  Secondly; "Enforce bans and restrictions on advertising, sponsorship and promotion.”  Again, yet another step ignored and warning not heeded.   So with this, your plan; is it beneficial?  Lucrative to the people of Ontario? Responsible to the health and wellbeing of the citizens?  For most Ontarians; to receive proper treatment in a facility is already cost prohibitive.  Believe it or not; there are addicts and alcoholics that truly wish to overcome this all powerful disease.  Unfortunately, without better access, the alcohol and drugs will certainly do their ultimate job.  Remember Mr. Ford as I said earlier…ultimate purpose…is to KILL.   Mr. Ford, while there is such a great amount to discuss, I have always been intrigued by your wonderful commercials where you are shown speaking to a concerned citizen.  I think this is absolutely wonderful.  I do look forward to having this same opportunity.  Much of my work however, is done face to face with families and would be honoured to sit down together over an espresso to discuss.  We could cordially meet in Woodbridge at a time and location of you choosing. Conveniently inconvenient. Thank you for your time. Jason E. Myer

Do you remember that moment? Oh no, what did I do? It can be frightening to reflect on for those of us struggling with alcoholism or addiction (even for those who are not). In the past, these simple memories often led to more trouble. However, by embracing humility, faith, and a working program, these reflections on our past can be motivating, comforting, and incredibly humbling for me. They hold a great power, as they are what keep me determined. I never want to veer off the path towards the light at the start of the tunnel, rather than waiting until the end. During a recent meeting with newcomers, the question about the number of days of sobriety each person had was posed. As I reflected on my own journey, I couldn't help but feel a wave of disappointment and shame as I had to restart my count on several occasions. Despite these setbacks, I made a conscious effort to listen attentively to others' experiences. I realized the importance of being a good listener before sharing my own thoughts - a lesson I had struggled with in the past, especially when overshadowed by dominant voices like JEM's. One particular lady shared that she had achieved an impressive 55 years of complete sobriety, which left me in awe of her accomplishment. This revelation prompted me to question my own progress. Surprisingly, I found myself less focused on the number of days I had been sober this time around. It was almost like an epiphany moment for me. Raising my metaphorical hand, I introduced myself as Jason and acknowledged my status as a "real alcoholic." I commended the lady for her inspiring journey and unwavering commitment. When asked about my own progress, I proudly declared that I was on day one, embracing the fresh start and the opportunity for growth and improvement. My fellows looked perplexed, their expressions a mix of curiosity and concern. As they waited on the edge of their seats, I could almost see the question marks floating above their heads. What could the story be this time? How did the relapse happen, and was it worse than the last one? In my experience, it always seems to escalate, each relapse more challenging than the previous. Despite the struggles, today marks my 200th day of sobriety. However, I've come to realize that every day is a new beginning, a fresh start. It's like I'm on my first day of sobriety each morning when I wake up. Through prayer and acknowledging my alcoholism, I remind myself that today I cannot pick up a drink. With the grace of God, I navigate through the day, inching closer to day two as I lay down to rest. This routine has become my daily mantra: wake up, remember my commitment to sobriety, navigate through the day, and repeat the process tomorrow. It's a continuous journey, a daily battle that I face with determination and faith. Each day is a victory, a testament to my strength and resilience in the face of adversity. It was a profound and heartening experience to witness my friend nodding in agreement and clasping her hands together in prayer as she acknowledged what I had shared. This moment was not about boosting my ego; rather, it was about the deep connection we shared, knowing that my words resonated with her on a profound level, irrespective of her personal achievements. The fact that she could see and feel the impact of my words made me realize that perhaps others, like the newcomer, could also find solace and understanding in them. The simplicity of the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) holds a special appeal to us. The linear progression from one step to the next provides a clear path forward, allowing individuals to focus on completing each step before moving on to the next. Despite its numerical simplicity, the program entails a significant amount of introspection and soul-searching. It brings to light deep-seated resentments, shame, and guilt, prompting individuals to confront and address these emotions. Through the process of working through the steps, individuals learn to take responsibility for their actions, make amends where necessary, and seek guidance and strength from a higher power. The act of clearing one's side of the street symbolizes a commitment to personal growth and accountability. Trust in a higher power and the willingness to help others struggling with addiction form the cornerstone of the program, fostering a sense of community and support among members. I would implore all individuals to earnestly consider and engage with the transformative process outlined in this concise step program. It is a journey that requires dedication, commitment, and a willingness to delve deep into one's innermost self. By embracing the principles and practices of this program, individuals have the opportunity to attain the same positive outcomes and experiences that others have achieved. It necessitates a sincere effort to work through the steps, to confront and overcome personal challenges, and to liberate oneself from the constraints of past mistakes and wrongdoings. Ultimately, by taking this path, one can strive towards a life free from the burdens of sin and find a renewed sense of purpose, fulfillment, and inner peace. Recovering from alcoholism requires immense strength, courage, and resilience. It's a journey filled with ups and downs, setbacks, and triumphs. Embracing resilience in the face of addiction entails seeking support, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and cultivating a positive mindset towards recovery. Recovery is not a linear path, and setbacks may occur along the way. However, celebrating small vicesilience is not just about surviving life's challenges; it's about thriving in the face of adversity. By cultivating a resilient mindset, seeking support, and embracing change, you can navigate life's ups and downs with grace, courage, and strength. Remember, you are stronger than you think, and your capacity for resilience knows no bounds. Embrace the challenges, face them head-on, and watch as you emerge stronger, braver, and more resilient than ever before. Let resilience be your guiding light in the darkest of times, your beacon of hope in moments of despair, and your source of strength when the odds seem insurmountable. Embrace resilience, and watch as you transform into the resilient, empowered individual you were always meant to be. So, dare to be resilient, embrace life's challenges, and let your inner strength shine bright!

Since a small boy, the thought of owning a motorcycle had always provided happiness and sexy dreams. "Every young boy needs a motorcycle", my late grandfather would say. Riding along in the car with my parents, I was mesmerized when the roar of the bikes rolled up beside the family sedan. The look of those men on their hogs was sexy to me...free. No cares in the world except that their bike was immaculate and that they looked 'cool' on their ride. Atleast that's what was important to me at the time. Time passed, life happened (don't worry...all of that is coming) but always this insatiable desire to swing my leg over a seat, turn the key and watch other's expressions as my Harley first screamed and then chugged. The romanticizing evolved to yearning and then finally, the dream of that imagined freedom became an obsession. A drug of sorts that I couldn't shake regardless if it was within reach or not. It had a grip on me, but this grip did not hurt anyone. You will come to see that this was rarely the outcome later in life. The dream came true! The day I received my M1, was the day the 2005 Harley Softail Springer, affectionately referred to as "Cinci" was delivered to my Lakefield residence. Within a half hour I was on the bike and on the road with my neighbour the now late Herb. I was hooked. From the smell of the exhaust (which reminded me of my Dad's 75' Camaro), to the wind (and bugs) hitting my face, the grip tightened around me that I thought would never end. I had worked countless hours, dedicated my life to the funeral home and service to families while (now regrettably) my own family rarely saw me for dinner or before the next morning. Yes; another obsession: work (some may say 'workaholic). But I had my Harley. My first trip was to Marymount Cemetery in Guelph to 'show' my grandfather the bike every young boy should have. And to boot; its style and grace was modelled after his 42 Indian. Fast-forward ten years. Today was a very difficult day. Both a day of joy and sadness. Love and lost dreams, affection and resentment. A day of a true amends. A way to shed some of the past. Devilish behaviours made right. At the very least...steps in the right direction. It was a different time. A time where selfishness prevailed. Times that I no longer wish for. 'Remember When' moments. Don't get me wrong, some wonderful times involved that material good. The time was right however. The time was now. In a way; for me to show that I can give back by simply giving of myself. By releasing some of the past, for 'cleaning my side of the street' allows me to pave the way to the infamous 12 step-journey that I continue to walk on a daily basis in ALL that I do. Another way to (re)commit to a sober and serene life to better serve my God and myself. With these two commitments I thereby commit to Joanne and all of those that I love while along the way developing true and legitimate friendships. I would love to say that monetarily this is just gravy cash, but it certainly is not. This is another way to give back. Give back to home and household, family and self. A way to bridge the gap of the money spent. Will I ever again, experience my wife's arms wrapped around me while freely riding the highway? (For those who have yet to experience this, I truly recommend it). I do hope so. I hope that I/we can experience this again but during a much more simple time. A time where truly, cares will melt away. Where we can 'just be' for however long that ride is. A time where she is not holding on for dear life but a time where that grip is more passionate. All I do know however is that is tomorrow...a day that I cannot control. This day is in His hands. Thy will (not mine) be done.

For many of us, most certainly myself, the thought of something or someone bigger than me, never really crossed my mind. Sure there were those people that I would never want to tussle with (well sober of atleast) but the concept of a larger entity that ruled was beyond comprehension or introspection. My dad always told me that "there will always be someone bigger and stronger, faster and smarter than you in life" but to believe that; never really resonated with me. Perhaps this was because of that all-powerful, and self-centred EGO that the large majority of people carry with them and to some extent live by. Interesting how the implications of such a small word, three letters; can be vast and for many; most especially myself, catastrophic. All these years later however and through a great deal of "research", the ego has been smashed. How could it not be? Please, however do not confuse ego and confidence. One can be quite confident but not be egotistical. Bits and pieces of me were torn away and left on the pavement for all to see. Today, I am comfortable with this. Today, I am an open book. Today; secrets are no more and everyone can stand back and judge...because after all being an alcoholic is preventable (insert sigh) unlike many other conditions that we face in society today. Secrets are a part of everyone and so too is lying or being dishonest. But if you are one of the lucky ones (perhaps lucky) that have not have your secrets told or the lies kept hidden, well those pieces of you are still intact (until they are not). To be completely honest, JEM'S EGO (hey look, they both have three letters) was never about being better than an other person (contradictory to what some of you may think). It was of course about me. I had to be right. I had to prove to myself that I was a winner even if it did cause angst and discontentment. I had to be the leader. It was wonderful that you had your own opinion about something, and while perhaps an educated opinion; mine was still ultimately paramount, because; well, just because it was my opinion. Plain and simple. Perhaps some that are reading this can relate if you really sit back and pull away your layers. This way of thinking speaks to nothing more than a sick person. Alcoholic for sure. Sick - absolutely. Full of fear - unequivocally gospel. Fear about not being good enough. Fearing of not being the best. Fear of people seeing that I so desperately wanted their approval and for them to come to me for the answer, because then I would be fulfilled. What changed you ask? How does one let go of an ego; cleanse themselves of such blasphemy? Work on their fears and their shortcomings? Well for starters....being brought down by York Region's finest does not hurt. I did put up a good go however, but I am proud to say (humbly) that the taser won. See, there you go. I LOST. Bigger, stronger and wiser were they. While for those adrenaline junkies out there that are waiting to hear more about this, there really is not too much more to tell except they (police) were doing their job and ultimately protecting JEM (humble, kind, giving and loving) from JEM (egotistical, spiritually sick JEM). Insert Higher Power here. Something bigger than me. Relates to a spiritual experience. I know once again, this is where some of you may be getting a little uncomfortable. Squeamish perhaps. It is difficult to explain really. For me however; it has saved me from the tightening grips of alcoholism, dependency and irrational, selfish behaviours. Ultimately, I have learned that I am still a winner despite not being all powerful. No human power could or did ever relieve me from the disease of alcoholism, however I do seek His guidance each day and give thanks each night as I lay my head down free from the bondage of self. The people that I respect and love the most (Joanne, Mom & Dad) could not even release the cuffs and shackles that comes with this all powerful illness. Sure, their love and actions, threats and ultimatums certainly relieved me for a period of time but to no avail long-term. It sounds a little crazy that these wonderful people couldn't help me make it work. I so badly wanted to be sober and free from the bondage of self, but nope - couldn't be accomplished. As they say; good things come to those that wait. What an arduous road. Not just for myself, but I have a great deal of empathy, respect and certainly remorse for those that were affected by my thoughts and actions (remember, it was not the humble, kind, giving and loving JEM). You may not care what JEM you got and that is quite fine as that is your viewpoint (and I would argue ego). I will accept that. But those that continue to stand by me are the ones that are also open to the plethora of changes that we are seeing in society. While they may not fully understand pronouns, political viewpoints, the irrational number of homeless persons they walk by or the shrewd number of mental health obstacles that people face (believe me, you will see all of this in your own family), they are open to acceptance and education. Open to the most powerful emotion; Love. Today, every morning and every night, this 6'3" frame bows down and gets on his knees. You should try it (regardless of why or to whom you speak to) as there is nothing more humbling. Reach out to someone/something and ask for help and guidance. Ask for your defects of character (if you dig deep, you too will find more than you wish to see) to be relieved and to follow the 'right' path as you venture along your day. For me, I admit that I am powerless over alcohol. I cannot take a drink of that poison (to me). It is because of this humble act (and only this realization), that I am sober today. I am not riddled with fear. Sure, there are obstacles to overcome, however, these too shall pass. Perhaps the outcome may not be favourable as I would see it or..is it. Is the outcome justified and this too shall set me upon a path of freedom? Today, paralleled with my God are those that are still here with me walking this uncomfortable path. They are exactly the people so many in society need today. Open to the unknown. Willing to forgive (although resentments are powerful things) ODAAT (one day at a time). Love till death do part. "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" Mahatma Gandhi

"When you face difficult times, know that challenges are not sent to destroy you. They're sent to promote, increase and strengthen you." Joel Osteen. Difficulties. We (as in all of us...each and everyone of us) are not immune to difficulties. We all experience trying times in our lives; for some more often and demanding than others. Often times, these obstacles are a direct result of the choices that we make in an instance or on a daily basis. Many of these, what feel like atrocities; will with guidance, humility and learning, allow us to grow as people. If we constantly strive for progress, our transgressions can permeate into positive reinforcement for our younger generations. The reason for beginning this blog and trying to reach out to others; yes is for those like me. The alcoholic. The addict. The fearful. The resentful. Those persons (JEM) who have put their family through hell while they too were going through a hotter possibly more devastating demise. Yet, with that in mind; I too do this to bring awareness. To educate the 'normal' person. There may be those too that are reading this that have wondered perhaps if they too have 'contracted' this disease or even yet, those in denial. Whichever person you identify as (and deep down you know the answer to this as I did), education and awareness is of utmost importance. I have alway said that in my professional life, our mandate as funeral directors (because you cannot teach true empathy), is to educate the public. (I just sensed now, for the first time , that the premise of my career ; death just like alcoholism/addiction are both subjects that are taboo to most). I have attempted professionally to educate the public as to their options in regards to funeral services and now I am adorned with the hope and a platform to educate as to the horrific nature of addiction. What it does to the suffering alcoholic and in turn how it is disastrous to all those that love us. There are some (most in fact) that would say that we are to blame for any outcome resulting from our addiction. There certainly is no denying that. I have come to accept the consequences, not a fun task at all but a must. I have come to be truly humbled by each and every one of these outcomes. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. We could be sober for days, months, years and for some cunning and baffling reason, BAM the devil attacks. Regardless of who you are, where you are from and how strong we may think we are the devil wins. For me, I have come to learn that if I am not practicing the principles of a 'very simple program', the devil who is just waiting in the next room has the perfect opportunity to swoop and destroy. A disease however. Similar to most, we don't know when we will be affected. We may be unaware of the symptoms. There may be minimal distinct consequences of the disease at first. It's insidious in nature. Slow to grow but devastating in the end. God knows (and my family can certainly attest) that the affects of alcoholism in conjunction with dereliction of the program of AA brought me to my knees, maybe worse. I no longer liked who I was (well this had been building for years). Alcoholism destroyed the ego of JEM. Smashed it to tiny little pieces, but this was much needed. I couldn't hide behind the suit and the confidence I had in my professional daily life any longer. JEM was on the brink of destruction. It was either life or death (literally...but that's a story for later). Going back to the original quote, conversely to its premise; it certainly felt as though the challenges were sent to destroy me. I am happy (and proud) to say that I am the strongest that I have ever been. Stronger that I ever thought possible actually. To my amazement, the challenges did what they were supposed to do. Those challenges and their outcomes continually allow me to examine within. They have allowed me to dig deep. Transcend years of guilt, self loathing, selfishness. Peel back a very tough onion to see what was really inside. They have allowed me to promote more positive avenues. While teaching myself and being taught by others, I too am helping others and this provides me the strength for another sober 24 hours. There is hope. Hope, even for those of us that believe we are hopeless against the sheer power of addiction. While the choices that we have made are less than favourable, please take a look within. Contempt prior to investigation can be as devastating to others as are the choices that we have made as people. Addicted people yes, but people nonetheless. Contempt prior to investigation again, is really just a lack of education. A selfish act and one of ignorance. Please try to be kind. Be kind and before you pass judgement on the addict/alcoholic under the bridge sleeping with their bottle who may too be the 'well put together ' guy in a suit, remember that true power is in education. This is strength.

I heard something the other day. I heard that the disease of Alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease. This very simple statement invoked a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. It stopped me in my tracks really and for a number of evenings (somewhat too busy during the days, yet never too busy for meetings and staying in the now) inspired me to review this sentiment a little more deeply. This however was not the 'just' of the statement. Conversely, there is also HOPE. HOPE for progressive recovery from the depths of alcoholism and addiction. HOPE for change. HOPE for a better more grounded spiritual life. HOPE for educating self and others to the atrocities caused in part by the disease but also about the sheer power of indulgence in sobriety. The program states that in order to have a spiritual experience and assume all the wonders/promises of recovery; people like US need only to change one thing: EVERYTHING. Relieve old ideals. Smash our ego. Smash our what, our ego? Since when does anyone really look closely enough at themselves to interpret their ego. To dig deep enough into their past and present points of view, ideals and interactions with people to truly see their true colours. Are we doing things for recognition, to impress, for prestige? Are we doing things to help others, simply to be a beneficial part of another persons day? Many would say; well hell, my daily life is just fine. I go to work, do my job, look after my children, have fun and don't hurt other people. But do we really know that for certain? Are we fulfilled? Do we fulfill others? Hopefully this causes you to look within the way that I have HAD to. No, I was not restrained and forced to do this. Conversely, however, this process was a suggestion. Merely a single step of the twelve (mentioned previously) that if followed and worked into my daily life would allow me to be freed from the slavery of alcoholism. I never really thought that I had a ego. Well at least not an ego that was harmful to self or others. I must say however, through a great deal of introspection, tears, turmoil, self resentment and heartache, I have never been happier and felt so free than I do today despite some hurdles to still overcome. Relationships to mend if meant to be. Progressively recovering one day at a time. Quite difficult to look in the mirror at the JEM of old. The not so SimplyJEM and be ok with that person and the ego that stood in the way of sobriety. Stood in the way of others. Stood in the way of healthy or healthier relationships. Sure; that not so SimplyJEM had wonderful moments. Loved and was loved. A great person who did wonderful things for others, often not for recognition but truly to assist. However, the ego was there. Dress to impress, or at the very least to hide the fearful side of myself. Hide the hurt and uncertainly. Hide the addiction. To fully concede to the ideal that my ego ruled me and hurt others is a painful realization. Today, I simply turn to my higher power. My God. The being that I turn to for guidance. Turn my self and my will over to Him before making decisions. Make decisions based solely on how and if it will be beneficial to the next person. Yes ; it must be beneficial to myself too, however it will be beneficial to me spiritually. Regardless of who is watching. Beneficial for all the pure reasons. No longer do I have to hide decisions. Worried about who will see or find out. Here it is. All of me. The good, the not so good and now the best. Best; not egotistically but best in mind, body ad spirit. Best not because that is what I think YOU want or wish to see. Best; because it is what He would wish to see. Will the progressive illness of addiction/alcoholism become overshadowed by a progressive recovery? Will good be triumphant over evil? Who prevails; Jekyll or Hyde? The man or the alter ego? In this case; my case, SimplyJEM is simply that. SimplyJEM. A man who has smashed the ego to allow the birth of a spiritually sound person wishing to help and educate others to the effects of an awful illness. A disease that has the tendency to take lives in an emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical sense. I simply wish to be...ME. This is an on going daily reprieve. With a lot of work, dedication, prayer, meditation, resolve and not to mention a wonderful support system (you know who you are), progressive recovery does occur if you work it...daily.

A world that I created...loved greatly...hurt greatly...amending daily. Here I am. All of me. The good. The "bad". The great (I and so many others do believe there is greatness in me) at times. The miscreant or immoral. I know. Immoral? Really?Jay immoral? Well obviously for those that question this; you must not be my family and certainly not my extended family. You must have stood up to my ideals, to which; how dare you! Don't you know that I am always right and you are not superior enough to have a voice. You must have called me out on something or believed that you were better at something than me. Especially if you thought that you were a better funeral director than I. Don't you know that I'm the best and you are in need of further teachings. Come with me. Walk with me on my journey as I strive to become the best version of myself. Whoa, whoa, whoa. The best version of myself? Was there ever a 'best version' of JEM? Perhaps there was or is. Follow me as I embark down a path of self reflection, spiritual awakening, psychological introspection and most importantly; humility. It's not a long hike I promise...merely 12 steps long, one foot in front of the other. I have tredged this path previously on a few occasions. Many too before I, have walked this path. Some, like I lost our way. The breadcrumbs that we used on those journey's should never have been picked up by us. Instead, that was the devil's employ. as we walked away from it. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, should we have put distance between us. Our leader was none other than...God (as I/we understood Him.). The power that we so needed to understand. The light that guided our path during those dark, cold and stormy nights. The receiver of our prayers and selflessness in our intentions. Thy will be done. NOT my Will...Thy. Him. The almighty. The anommally that is bigger then each and every one of us. Yes, hard to believe but even bigger than JEM. JEM is not the be-all and end-all. JEM is not the director of the play. JEM is not the boss.