Relieving the pain...365 days later.

This time one year ago, I was under the impression that I was firmly in control of my life. I believed I was the one orchestrating every aspect of my existence, that I was the master of my fate, running the show with a sense of authority and purpose. In my mind, I was basking in the illusion of being untouchable, invincible even. I walked through life with an air of confidence, convinced that I had everything figured out and that nothing could bring me down.

However, it is essential to recognize that my journey has not been without its share of failures and setbacks. I had previously experienced the tumultuous ups and downs of life, often floundering in and out of the program that ultimately became my lifeline, my rock ultimately (not to minimize my beautiful wife and parents as their support is different). The irony is that, despite my bravado, I had faced moments of profound struggle and despair, which I now understand were crucial to my growth.

Reflecting on my past, I realize that it was only through the humbling experience of acknowledging my limitations and vulnerabilities that I began to seek a power greater than myself. This realization was on one fateful night; instantaneous.  My heart and mind were opened wide to the possibility of something beyond my own understanding, a force that could guide me when I felt lost. It was in the process of surrendering to this higher power that I found a glimmer of hope and a sense of direction.

Moreover, the support I discovered in 'the rooms'—the meetings and gatherings that I now attend regularly—has been transformative. These spaces are filled with individuals who share similar struggles and experiences, creating a community that fosters understanding, compassion, and healing. I spend countless hours each week immersed in these discussions, learning from others, sharing my own journey, and finding strength in collective vulnerability.

In stark honesty, I must convey that if it were not for this newfound connection to a higher power and the unwavering support from my beautiful wife, family and community, I would be dead. This may come across as a bit crass or blunt to some, but it is the unvarnished truth. The reality of my situation is that I was teetering on the edge, and it was only through these profound realizations and connections that I was able to reclaim my life from the brink. The journey has been arduous, but it has also been enlightening, leading me to a place of resilience and hope that I had once thought was unattainable.

Currently, I'm on a train heading to Guelph to embrace the true spirit of Christmas—gratitude for the gifts of hope, love, and joy. As I gaze out the window, the sun shines brightly, and the biting cold outside is evident from the large clouds rising from the building stacks in the distance. I can't help but feel these gifts surrounding me, especially within my heart and mind. I am truly fortunate to have the chance to turn past misfortunes—trials, hardships, and both physical and emotional pain—into advantages today.

Just a year ago, everything almost fell apart. The relapse began on a Thursday, and the only solution to what felt like incomprehensible and unbearable trauma, along with situations beyond my control, was to drown myself in poison. I wanted to forget and numb the discomfort, fear, and resentments. This led to days of emotional and physical pain (as if there wasn't already enough). A fog set in. I couldn't see a way out. The hope that now fills my heart was nowhere to be found. It was crushed. I fell down stairs; first responders came. More poison. Hospitals; "formed". Embarrassment. Guilt. Shame. Remorse. I was truly and completely broken. I couldn't imagine a 'way out'. I was exhausted. I was sickened by the thought of hurting those I loved any longer. It wasn't my own hurt and pain I worried about, but that of my wife, son, and parents. I was disgusted by the disease of alcoholism, and while I didn’t want to 'lose,' I became willing to in order to stop hurting the most important people in my life, and so I prepared to relieve their hurt.

To most, it is beyond understanding. It certainly was for me before this pivotal night. Lying in a new suit on the ground outside, I felt the rain on my face. I was teetering on the edge of destruction, between life and death, prepared to free my beloved wife and family from this terrible illness. As surely as I am sitting here now, His hand pulled me back. I was not being welcomed; I was being pushed back, told that I have too much to do to help myself, clear the wreckage of my past, and assist those still suffering. Yes, to Agnostics and Atheists, this is beyond comprehension. Whatever it may or may not be to you, please understand that no human power could have ever pulled me from the depths of the disease. Not my wife, parents, or children. Nothing.

While the next days were certainly not enjoyable for anyone, it was truly the start to a beautiful way of living; free from guilt, shame remorse and most certainly from alcohol. Over the ensuing month, I attended three meetings a day and found myself engaging with a God of my understanding; one today that I call a friend.

While it was I that sat in those chairs (and continue to in Church basements on a daily basis); I who help others today...it truly was only by the grace of God and my family that I am here today. I am present in conversation, work and personal interactions. I am free from the obsession that alcohol so greatly played in my daily life. I no longer flounder to plan my day around when, where and how to purchase. How to pull to wool over others eyes (most certainly my own) for them to believe that Jay is doing well (when in fact it was the furthest from the truth). While I own my story, the bad, good and otherwise I also own the fact that my wife and my parents should be congratulated on this small victory. They felt the same pain, fear and resentment as I. I give thanks each and every day that I was spared. The the disease did not win. Today, I am able to give back to them. Allow them to bask in the fulfillment of a new life becuase ultimately they feel and experience through me. Today I am blessed that these remarkable people held on to hope and faith and did not allow for the stigma of the disease to taint their actions and love.

There is also a man, whose name I will keep private, whom I am privileged and honoured to call a friend. He is a selfless individual who went to great lengths for my wife and me simply because he cared. Despite having faced trauma in his own life not long before, his loving and supportive actions greatly improved our lives. He assured me that everything would be alright, though I had difficult truths to confront and hard work ahead. At my lowest point, when I felt I couldn't continue, I asked him to tell my story. In his stoic, firm yet loving manner, he simply said, "Jason, you will tell your own story, and when that time comes, I will be there." One night, as I stood at a podium, nervous yet proud to have been invited to speak before a large group of like-minded individuals, there he was, true to his word and, I am sure, with a touch of pride.

If you struggle with addiction or know someone who does, be sure to reach out for help. Remember, "You are no longer alone." Don't bear the weight of this insidious illness by yourself. Ignore the naysayers and those who judge without self-reflection. Live and let live. Clear the wreckage of your past, trust in God (or your own understanding of something greater than yourself), and assist others on your journey. Acceptance is truly the greatest gift you can receive.